I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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