I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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