I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
