well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
