when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My vagina just recognized that song.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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