I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
