i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
