I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
