you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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