i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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