Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
