dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
