he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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