he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
