Moan for me like Helen Keller
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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