omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
