At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
