They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
