Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
