chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
