Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i think i just lost a toe
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize