I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
