ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize