Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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