So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
