Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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