True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
