I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
