Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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