I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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