so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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