getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
