his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
do nipples grow back?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
