he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
