***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I wish life had little blips of pornography
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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