well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
