We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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