my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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