My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
