If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Redeem this text for a blowjob
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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