I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
