did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
