every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
