Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
