Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
organizing the empties. That sober.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
