This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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