It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
