WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
