i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
