Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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