just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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