i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize