She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
