remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
