you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
