I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
