i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I need moral support for this bender
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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