Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
it's like heaven, but drunker
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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