i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
