I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
