Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
