Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
