I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
be right there i have to get my cape
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
