OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
